14 Mistakes we make and wish we could stopI
It's said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing
over and over again and expecting different results. So, yes, we
know that snooping around our mate's email account is a bad
idea and that believing in the fairy-tale love stories we grew up
reading is silly, but sometimes we find ourselves giving these
relationship moves the ol' college try! The results? Not so
successful. Plus, we start to feel unbalanced, and perhaps rightly
so.
This point is this: there are certain relationship mistakes women
make over and over again. Like sleeping in a bad position and
waking with a stiff neck, we sometimes don't realize we're
blundering and repeating until the ouch factor comes into play.
Well, it's time to stop. We're declaring once and for all: let's quit!
Quitters sometimes prosper, especially when lousy habits get left
behind. Here's the list of relationship blunders we wish we ladies
would stop making.
1. Thinking we'll never get over him. We will. Two months and
several powdered donuts later... we'll feel better.
2. Spying. Hacking into email or phones looking for suspicious
messages and then yelling at him for the "k thnx bye" text he
sent to his female coworker two months ago.
3. Thinking our partners must be interested in everything we do,
think, and say. When it comes down to it, we zone out when men
talk about circuit boards. Right? Having a best friend or gab
partner outside a relationship is a good thing.
4. Displacing. Freud was right with this one. If we're mad at him
because he ate our tasty restaurant leftovers out of the fridge,
tell him we're mad at him because he ate our tasty restaurant
leftovers out of the fridge. Don't turn it into a commitment issue.
5. Expecting too much. Putting so much energy into the idea of a
fairy-tale romance that we're disappointed with anything less.
6. Stagnating. Waiting for someone to find us, instead of going
out and finding someone ourselves.
7. Slacking. Thinking that a perfect relationship should be easy.
Relationships require work and compromise; a perfect
relationship means doing those things well.
8. Isolating. Dropping our friends when we're falling in love.
Friends help define who we are, and we need them when things
get tough.
9. Fantasizing. Thinking that getting a boyfriend or husband will
solve all our problems. No one can fix our lives for us!
10. Using the silent treatment. Our partners can't read our minds;
he won't know what's wrong unless we sack up and tell him.
11. Denying. Denying that there's a problem in a relationship,
instead of facing it and asking ourselves what needs to be done.
Problems don't usually go away on their own. Letting them fester
only makes it worse.
12. Standing alone. Thinking that depending on someone else is a
weakness. Leaning on someone else sometimes is the sign of a
healthy relationship.
13. Over-analyzing. There's analysis and then there's
over-analysis. Wondering why the fiance didn't call once during
his bachelor weekend in Vegas? A legitimate case for analysis.
Wondering why he only called twice and not three times during a
guys' night out? Not so much.
14. Trying to reinvent the relationship wheel. If some items on
this list feel cliche, it's because they are! If we would only listen
to a good dose of love advice now and again, we'd probably save
ourselves some heartache.
It's said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing
over and over again and expecting different results. So, yes, we
know that snooping around our mate's email account is a bad
idea and that believing in the fairy-tale love stories we grew up
reading is silly, but sometimes we find ourselves giving these
relationship moves the ol' college try! The results? Not so
successful. Plus, we start to feel unbalanced, and perhaps rightly
so.
This point is this: there are certain relationship mistakes women
make over and over again. Like sleeping in a bad position and
waking with a stiff neck, we sometimes don't realize we're
blundering and repeating until the ouch factor comes into play.
Well, it's time to stop. We're declaring once and for all: let's quit!
Quitters sometimes prosper, especially when lousy habits get left
behind. Here's the list of relationship blunders we wish we ladies
would stop making.
1. Thinking we'll never get over him. We will. Two months and
several powdered donuts later... we'll feel better.
2. Spying. Hacking into email or phones looking for suspicious
messages and then yelling at him for the "k thnx bye" text he
sent to his female coworker two months ago.
3. Thinking our partners must be interested in everything we do,
think, and say. When it comes down to it, we zone out when men
talk about circuit boards. Right? Having a best friend or gab
partner outside a relationship is a good thing.
4. Displacing. Freud was right with this one. If we're mad at him
because he ate our tasty restaurant leftovers out of the fridge,
tell him we're mad at him because he ate our tasty restaurant
leftovers out of the fridge. Don't turn it into a commitment issue.
5. Expecting too much. Putting so much energy into the idea of a
fairy-tale romance that we're disappointed with anything less.
6. Stagnating. Waiting for someone to find us, instead of going
out and finding someone ourselves.
7. Slacking. Thinking that a perfect relationship should be easy.
Relationships require work and compromise; a perfect
relationship means doing those things well.
8. Isolating. Dropping our friends when we're falling in love.
Friends help define who we are, and we need them when things
get tough.
9. Fantasizing. Thinking that getting a boyfriend or husband will
solve all our problems. No one can fix our lives for us!
10. Using the silent treatment. Our partners can't read our minds;
he won't know what's wrong unless we sack up and tell him.
11. Denying. Denying that there's a problem in a relationship,
instead of facing it and asking ourselves what needs to be done.
Problems don't usually go away on their own. Letting them fester
only makes it worse.
12. Standing alone. Thinking that depending on someone else is a
weakness. Leaning on someone else sometimes is the sign of a
healthy relationship.
13. Over-analyzing. There's analysis and then there's
over-analysis. Wondering why the fiance didn't call once during
his bachelor weekend in Vegas? A legitimate case for analysis.
Wondering why he only called twice and not three times during a
guys' night out? Not so much.
14. Trying to reinvent the relationship wheel. If some items on
this list feel cliche, it's because they are! If we would only listen
to a good dose of love advice now and again, we'd probably save
ourselves some heartache.
3 Compatibility Deal Breakers
You say tomato, he says to-mah-to -- but don't call the whole thing
off just yet. Compatibility is all about the big picture, so don't
sweat the small stuff like favorite movies or taste in music --
that's just icing on the cake! But before you commit to being in it
for the long haul, make sure you see eye-to-eye with your partner
on the things that matter.
10 First-Date Mistakes
What the Guys I Date Don't Know
We asked members of Marie Claire's online community for their
long-term compatibility deal breakers. Here's what they said:
Compatibility Deal Breaker #1: No Shared Interests
Member thetrekhippy said, "For me, both people have to have
enough common interests so that you can enjoy spending time
together doing those, but enough separate interests that you can
enjoy learning about those new things from each other as well as
enjoy time you spend apart. If you can sit with that person for at
least 40 minutes just doing nothing but like watching shows on
the telly or listening to music, and never once feel awkward or
uncomfortable, never feel like you 'have to make conversation,'
that's a good sign."
You and your partner don't have to parrot each other's hobbies
and interests to be compatible, but what's key is taking an
interest in what's important to your significant other. That means
no eye-rolling when he's off to his monthly golf game, and no
exasperated sighing every single time her favorite show is on.
Keep an open mind, invite your partner to join you once in a
while, and show a genuine interest in what makes them happy.
Compatibility Deal Breaker #2: Different Values
"For me, there has to be shared basic values, along with
nonconflicting lifestyles and goals," said uniquelyme2.
What registers as an important topic or value for you depends on
you and your partner, but here's a rule of thumb to follow: If you
can't get through watching the nightly news together without
calling each other morons, screaming obscenities, threatening
breakup, or blaming each other for the recession, a long-term
commitment might not be for you. Keep lifestyle in mind as well.
Opposites may attract, but they don't often stay together. If your
ideal Saturday night consists of Netflix and popcorn, and your
partner prefers to party until dawn, one of you will always feel
frustrated.
Compatibility Deal Breaker #3: Clashing Future Plans
"You better know what you want out of this relationship so I have
a clear idea of what to expect," stresses jpwoc. Member
shell1130 agrees. "I don't need to know where our relationship is
going from the first date, but it's important for me to know
whether he eventually wants children or if he has plans to live in
another country or travel a lot at some point."
Don't hand him the pre-nup over appetizers on your first date, but
do keep your future in mind. Lengthy discussions about children,
career plans, location, and other major expectations need to be
had before you make a major commitment, whether it's marriage
vows or a shared apartment. If you're still in the early stages of
dating, make sure you're both aware of how exclusive the
relationship is or has potential to be. If you're looking for
something serious, you don't want to waste time with someone
who's content to casually date for years.
You say tomato, he says to-mah-to -- but don't call the whole thing
off just yet. Compatibility is all about the big picture, so don't
sweat the small stuff like favorite movies or taste in music --
that's just icing on the cake! But before you commit to being in it
for the long haul, make sure you see eye-to-eye with your partner
on the things that matter.
10 First-Date Mistakes
What the Guys I Date Don't Know
We asked members of Marie Claire's online community for their
long-term compatibility deal breakers. Here's what they said:
Compatibility Deal Breaker #1: No Shared Interests
Member thetrekhippy said, "For me, both people have to have
enough common interests so that you can enjoy spending time
together doing those, but enough separate interests that you can
enjoy learning about those new things from each other as well as
enjoy time you spend apart. If you can sit with that person for at
least 40 minutes just doing nothing but like watching shows on
the telly or listening to music, and never once feel awkward or
uncomfortable, never feel like you 'have to make conversation,'
that's a good sign."
You and your partner don't have to parrot each other's hobbies
and interests to be compatible, but what's key is taking an
interest in what's important to your significant other. That means
no eye-rolling when he's off to his monthly golf game, and no
exasperated sighing every single time her favorite show is on.
Keep an open mind, invite your partner to join you once in a
while, and show a genuine interest in what makes them happy.
Compatibility Deal Breaker #2: Different Values
"For me, there has to be shared basic values, along with
nonconflicting lifestyles and goals," said uniquelyme2.
What registers as an important topic or value for you depends on
you and your partner, but here's a rule of thumb to follow: If you
can't get through watching the nightly news together without
calling each other morons, screaming obscenities, threatening
breakup, or blaming each other for the recession, a long-term
commitment might not be for you. Keep lifestyle in mind as well.
Opposites may attract, but they don't often stay together. If your
ideal Saturday night consists of Netflix and popcorn, and your
partner prefers to party until dawn, one of you will always feel
frustrated.
Compatibility Deal Breaker #3: Clashing Future Plans
"You better know what you want out of this relationship so I have
a clear idea of what to expect," stresses jpwoc. Member
shell1130 agrees. "I don't need to know where our relationship is
going from the first date, but it's important for me to know
whether he eventually wants children or if he has plans to live in
another country or travel a lot at some point."
Don't hand him the pre-nup over appetizers on your first date, but
do keep your future in mind. Lengthy discussions about children,
career plans, location, and other major expectations need to be
had before you make a major commitment, whether it's marriage
vows or a shared apartment. If you're still in the early stages of
dating, make sure you're both aware of how exclusive the
relationship is or has potential to be. If you're looking for
something serious, you don't want to waste time with someone
who's content to casually date for years.
| Personals |
The World of Dating 101 for us dummies
Entering the world of dating is an important part of being a
teenager. At one age or another, you will view your relationships
with the opposite sex differently. Sometimes hormones
influence you to have new feelings about members of the
opposite sex (or sometimes the same sex). You might become
physically attracted to your guy friend who you used to just
hang out with. You may find yourself wanting to be in a
"relationship."
A relationship is a friendship you have with a person that's more
than just a friendship. It involves a deeper and different level of
commitment to another person. It's one that identifies the two of
you as being a "couple." It might mean spending your free time
together, confiding in one another or just hanging out together.
You might phone each other every night and talk for hours. You
might go places together--like the mall or the movies. It might
also mean a physical relationship--one that may involve
touching, kissing and more.
What Girls Really Look For In Guys
According to an American survey, the most important qualities a
boy must have for a girl to go out with him are (in this order):
Intelligence
Good looks and body (but not necessarily "handsome" features)
Being a good conversationalist; being "easy to talk to"
Sincerity and honesty; being someone who is "not just out for
sex"
Confidence (but not to the point of being conceited)
Sense of humor (someone who is fun to be with)
"Well groomed, doesn't take drugs or drink alcohol to excess"
Romantic and affectionate
Popularity at school
Gentleness
What Guys Really Look For In Girls
In the same survey, boys were asked, "What are the most
important qualities a girl must have for you to want to go out
with her?" Here were their top 10 answers:
Good looks and a good body, but not necessarily stunning; "and
if she has an awful personality, I won't ask her out again."
Friendliness
Intelligence
A sense of humor
Honesty; someone who "doesn't play head games or tease."
Similar interests and values
"She has to be able to talk to me."
Sexual honesty; "I wouldn't like her to be a prude, but I don't
want her to have been out with a lot of other boys."
Being outgoing, not shy
Maturity ("I'd like her to have a serious side")
Dating is about choice. Girls and guys both have the ability to
ask out anyone they find attractive, interesting or fun. What do
you look for in your dating partner? If you want a happy, healthy
relationship, here are some suggestions:
Acceptance
A very important part of a relationship is the way in which the
two people involved handle each other's imperfections. In this
world, we aren't going to be perfect or find a perfect person to
love. Humans are just not perfect. Through dating, you can learn
to accept the imperfections in the person you are seeing and
also in other people in your life.
Connection
A relationship is about emotional connection. Your attachments
to others are called "bonds." Bonds are formed and maintained
via someone's ability to share and connect from the heart, with
all of its feelings and emotional vulnerabilities. Sometimes we
connect with another person and really don't know why,
logically speaking, but we still do.
Boundaries
An important aspect of any relationship is respecting each
other's personal boundaries. A boundary is an invisible line that
defines where you end and someone else begins. Good
relationships entail a high degree of respect for the other's
"person."
Equality
Unhealthy relationships often have one partner who always has
to be the boss and is the self-appointed "parent." She relates to
the other person primarily in terms of "shoulds," telling him
what he should and should not do. In adult relationships and
marriages, this does not work out well. In a dating relationship,
both people are worthy of respect. A teenage female is the
equal of a teenage male and a man is the equal of a woman.
Remember that.
Self-Love
It is very difficult for anyone else to like you if you don't like
yourself first. Don't think that no one will ever go out with you if
you are not dating anyone. When you feel good about yourself,
you are more attractive to other people. If necessary, make a list
of all your good qualities. This will give you confidence, and you
might even discover something new about yourself. You are a
special person, after all!
Adolescent dating is based more on experimenting with
romantic feelings than on deep emotions of love or intimacy.
This is not to say that two teenagers cannot be in love, but for
many teens, the idea of having a date can often be more
important that the relationship itself.
What Are Boyfriends or Girlfriends For?
A relationship should offer many things before you consider
having sex. You may not find everything on the following list. As
long as you both enjoy some of the benefits of a relationship, it
can be a good one. You can give each other:
Company and companionship
Fun
Friendship
Happiness
Help with problems
Love
Respect
Sharing
Someone to talk to, care for, lean on, laugh with, cry with, go out
with
Support
Understanding
You might not find all of these qualities in one person. Make a
list for yourself and decide what is important to you!
Entering the world of dating is an important part of being a
teenager. At one age or another, you will view your relationships
with the opposite sex differently. Sometimes hormones
influence you to have new feelings about members of the
opposite sex (or sometimes the same sex). You might become
physically attracted to your guy friend who you used to just
hang out with. You may find yourself wanting to be in a
"relationship."
A relationship is a friendship you have with a person that's more
than just a friendship. It involves a deeper and different level of
commitment to another person. It's one that identifies the two of
you as being a "couple." It might mean spending your free time
together, confiding in one another or just hanging out together.
You might phone each other every night and talk for hours. You
might go places together--like the mall or the movies. It might
also mean a physical relationship--one that may involve
touching, kissing and more.
What Girls Really Look For In Guys
According to an American survey, the most important qualities a
boy must have for a girl to go out with him are (in this order):
Intelligence
Good looks and body (but not necessarily "handsome" features)
Being a good conversationalist; being "easy to talk to"
Sincerity and honesty; being someone who is "not just out for
sex"
Confidence (but not to the point of being conceited)
Sense of humor (someone who is fun to be with)
"Well groomed, doesn't take drugs or drink alcohol to excess"
Romantic and affectionate
Popularity at school
Gentleness
What Guys Really Look For In Girls
In the same survey, boys were asked, "What are the most
important qualities a girl must have for you to want to go out
with her?" Here were their top 10 answers:
Good looks and a good body, but not necessarily stunning; "and
if she has an awful personality, I won't ask her out again."
Friendliness
Intelligence
A sense of humor
Honesty; someone who "doesn't play head games or tease."
Similar interests and values
"She has to be able to talk to me."
Sexual honesty; "I wouldn't like her to be a prude, but I don't
want her to have been out with a lot of other boys."
Being outgoing, not shy
Maturity ("I'd like her to have a serious side")
Dating is about choice. Girls and guys both have the ability to
ask out anyone they find attractive, interesting or fun. What do
you look for in your dating partner? If you want a happy, healthy
relationship, here are some suggestions:
Acceptance
A very important part of a relationship is the way in which the
two people involved handle each other's imperfections. In this
world, we aren't going to be perfect or find a perfect person to
love. Humans are just not perfect. Through dating, you can learn
to accept the imperfections in the person you are seeing and
also in other people in your life.
Connection
A relationship is about emotional connection. Your attachments
to others are called "bonds." Bonds are formed and maintained
via someone's ability to share and connect from the heart, with
all of its feelings and emotional vulnerabilities. Sometimes we
connect with another person and really don't know why,
logically speaking, but we still do.
Boundaries
An important aspect of any relationship is respecting each
other's personal boundaries. A boundary is an invisible line that
defines where you end and someone else begins. Good
relationships entail a high degree of respect for the other's
"person."
Equality
Unhealthy relationships often have one partner who always has
to be the boss and is the self-appointed "parent." She relates to
the other person primarily in terms of "shoulds," telling him
what he should and should not do. In adult relationships and
marriages, this does not work out well. In a dating relationship,
both people are worthy of respect. A teenage female is the
equal of a teenage male and a man is the equal of a woman.
Remember that.
Self-Love
It is very difficult for anyone else to like you if you don't like
yourself first. Don't think that no one will ever go out with you if
you are not dating anyone. When you feel good about yourself,
you are more attractive to other people. If necessary, make a list
of all your good qualities. This will give you confidence, and you
might even discover something new about yourself. You are a
special person, after all!
Adolescent dating is based more on experimenting with
romantic feelings than on deep emotions of love or intimacy.
This is not to say that two teenagers cannot be in love, but for
many teens, the idea of having a date can often be more
important that the relationship itself.
What Are Boyfriends or Girlfriends For?
A relationship should offer many things before you consider
having sex. You may not find everything on the following list. As
long as you both enjoy some of the benefits of a relationship, it
can be a good one. You can give each other:
Company and companionship
Fun
Friendship
Happiness
Help with problems
Love
Respect
Sharing
Someone to talk to, care for, lean on, laugh with, cry with, go out
with
Support
Understanding
You might not find all of these qualities in one person. Make a
list for yourself and decide what is important to you!
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